Value for Money

We like to think that we don’t care about money; that we aren’t reliant on it.
What we really want is that we don’t have to care about money; that we have enough that we can rely on it always being there.
What God wants is that if we need to rely on money, that we’ll rely on him to provide; that the only value we put on money is in the way it furthers God’s kingdom, and the only Lord we serve is the one in heaven.

Why God?

I had a crap day today. It was especially so because it was very average, not a day where I got stuck on a cliff face, lost in the woods, but a day where things just went bad. I had an exam, the study seemed to go well, but the exam didn’t pay any attention. It asked the things I didn’t know and tripped me up on lots of little mistakes. Not to mention that the day was hot; I had to leave the cool hills in the middle of the day to the hot city, and for an exam at that.
Then I realised that my phone wasn’t working. I rang the help centre to be transferred to an Indian who put me on hold in between asking a question, receiving an answer and then coming back with another question. All that waiting to find out that there was an error and the bank hadn’t transferred the money, so I was overdue on payment with my account suspended and a late fee of more than the phone cap in the first place.
To top it all off I have an essay to write, 4000 words this evening and tomorrow. I found myself asking ‘why?’, and since there was no hope of an answer, I asked ‘why God?’.
Sometimes, I realised, we think that God won’t let anything bad happen to us. We think that as Christians God will put us in a little magic bubble that will only let the good things of the world through and keep out the bad. When things are going well we say to ourselves, ‘God won’t protect us from everything but he’ll stop anything REALLY bad from happening’, and the longer things go well, the higher the expectation of protection.
Jesus never guaranteed to his disciples that they would be free from harm; He just promised them that they would be free. Jesus never promised his disciples happiness; He just promised them everlasting Joy. If God was going to stop anything bad happening to us he would just remove us from the world, but in his grace he has left us in the world, and all that that entails, to give those that are perishing another chance.
I had a really crappy day today. All the things that I did failed and the things I took for granted fell through. But I took God’s grace for granted, and I’m glad my illusions of what his protection looked like fell through, as now I know that what is important IS guaranteed, and what is eternal is promised to us.

Strange in Spring

These autumn leaves, strange in spring,
Scorched brown, from the sun’s sting,
Flit under your eyes, across your cheeks.
Invisible against your skin, they hide
In plain sight, scattered on either side.

The winter wind, strange in spring,
Lifts a feather, slides over a wing
Behind you, resting on a shoulder.
Why can no one see it, where does it go?
In plain sight, it hides where no one knows.

This summer sun, strange in spring,
Its light glides; it’s just the thing,
To catch your hair, to make it shine,
What happens to those fleeting gold threads?
They remain, invisible, framing your head.

Anger

I thought you would distract me from God,
Yet you’ve made me love him more.
Your beauty makes me appreciate his creation,
Your selflessness; His grace.

I never want to make you angry,
But be angry at me,
If I ever start to worship you.

Hold On

You like my smile.
You said so,
I heard you.
I like that.

Well your smile,
The small twitch of your lips,
Is so contagious,
That it catches your nose.

Well now I can admire.
Glances were enough to get me by,
But now I drink you in.
I’m addicted.

I’m not sure if that’s good.
The less shy I am,
The more of you
I can’t do without.

I need to verbalise this
To know how you feel;
To know what to take,
And what to give back.
For I don’t want to hurt you.
The last thing I’d give,
Is what would take you down.

I need a boundary,
Which with time I might cross,
To keep me from you.
For if I give you my heart,
And you to me,
Then there is no going back.

Let us wait and see.
Let’s hold back our hearts.
Treasure these simple things,
And they might last a lifetime.

A Normal Dream

I don’t really know you,
Or that’s what it seems,
But there’s a connection,
You know what I mean.
That it was mutual,
I was amazed and pleased.
My fear of being alone,
Heightened emotions, all eased.

But then I had a dream…

It’s a normal fear,
a normal dream;
There’s no one here,
everyone’s gone;
The end of the world,
everyone’s alone.
All our lives are laid out bare
To be judged and weighed.
Now only God can see
If we’ve lived for
Judgement day integrity.

I like you, I care for you,
I love you, I want to spend time with you,
But that doesn’t matter;
My love fades unimportantly,
But not for your life,
I only care about your purity,
That you’ll respond in joy
When, on Christ, you look,
Because your name
Is written in his book.

Let Me Serve

Lord let me serve you first.
All the things that I hold high,
Tear them down, rip them
From my grip.
Remove my heart,
Make it clean,
Leave nothing but your heart,
Nothing but compassion,
Nothing but your love,
Nothing but the grief we bring you.

Be With Her

Please Lord be with her,
Keep her standing strong;
Not disillusioned
By all that I’ll do wrong.
Please Lord be with me,
Help me serve you faithfully
And care for her
To live with you eternally.

Speak of Confusion

I knew I’d always loved you;
I wanted to make you like me.
I didn’t know what to do,
For I’d never known someone
So confusing before you.

But love just goes around,

Easily finding family and friends.
But when I knew I liked you,
It started to depend
On reactions and relationships,
And means to an end.

I usually understand

What’s going on around me.
Or happening in the heads
Of those who are around me.
Those that talk to me at least,
Their motives I can see.

But that didn’t seem
To be a problem;
You talked to me enough.

But every word you spoke
Made my head lose its grip.
The simplest of your actions
Made my concentration slip.

So I couldn’t start to tell
If you even liked me
Let alone might show me love.

But now that’s all different;
I think that it’s sorted out.
But now I have less idea
Of what’s happening,
For the simplest of reasons.

Every word you speak,
Makes my heart increase tempo,
And my stomach feel weak.
In the simplest of your actions,
I see a thousand words,
But of all the words they speak
Not one of them makes sense.

When you are close to me
My head is full of air,
My wits escape my mind;
But when you’re away
My mind is full of worry
That this dream might end.

Grace

I don’t know, if I know,
Anyone more reserved.
But I know you know,
It’s always well deserved.
Though your face presents
An optimistic show,
Your poise is fragile
Just one inch below.

I want to live
To bring a smile
To your face;
To keep you pure
And living in
His grace.

Share with me your troubles;
I want to help strengthen you.
I pray I’ll never judge you,
But it will be hard to do.
My view won’t change
So long as I keep
A spirit inside of me
To keep my soul from sleep.

I want to live
To bring a smile
To your face;
To keep you pure
And living in
His grace.

Bus

They got on the bus,
Friends together;
They sat on the bus
And talked together.

She wore his jacket
and they both joked
about friends at school
and others they knew.

She thought they were friends;
He knew they were friends.

He talked about Dave
And how he’d just done it;
He never forgave
Her for letting him down.

Susie had been dropped home,
According to rumour, they
Arrived at home alone,
And he had stayed.

He talked about the party
And who had scored;
She stopped laughing
So he joked some more.

He laughed about Lucy
Who’d got knocked up;
She said “it’s not funny”,
And now he stopped.

“What’s wrong?” he asked
“you’re not are you?”
He thought about the past,
She’d’ never been picked up;

He couldn’t hide from her
The look in his eyes for her.

“nothing’s wrong” she said,
But it was in his head.

“I’m still a virgin” the silence stood.

He continued the goss,
Trying to normalise
Sex; I could see it
Lurking in his eyes.

She was pure and he,
He wouldn’t say,
He didn’t like it;
When she looked away

He looked at her;
He looked at her figure.

And the lust was in his eyes.

She got up to leave,
They went to hug,
At the last minute,
She flinched,
She was awkward
In the embrace.

She returned
His jacket,
And she wasn’t
Coming back.

Hiding in Verse

There was a time,
When I thought
To hide behind rhyme.
I exaggerated,
Fantasised,
Then realised
I could tell the truth.
I thought I was loveless
So I wrote a love song.
I had lots of friends
But pretended to be alone.

Then you met me;
I discovered you.
I let you dig
And look at what you found.
I’m now accountable,
No longer hiding in verse.

I wrote in harmless fun,
But pretended
To write in truth.
Poetry never reflected,
It was just a suit,
Put on to look good,
Put on to disguise.
Since your interest,
I’ve found what I
Thought I didn’t have,
And it’s myself
Presented in truth.

When you met me;
I discovered you.
I let you dig
And look at what you found.
I’m now accountable,
No longer hiding in verse.

I’ve made up emotions,
Presented false lives;
I’d faked love,
And pretended to cry.
I had all them in truth,
But found them in lies,
But that changed when,
Looking into your eyes,
You looked through mine.

very excited

www.createyourcountdown.com

enough said...

Who!?

I look at a bird,
a girl smiles at me.

I write out my notes,
a girl talks on her phone.

a bird looks at me,
and so does a girl.

a door makes a noise,
i look up at a girl.

I write my notes,
a girl sits nearby.

a man walks past talking,
a girl walks past smiling.

the girl smiles at me,
I am confused because I'm sure I don't know her but she's hanging round and keeps smiling and, now look, she even just waved, who is she? I hope I don't know her, because that would be embarrassing. maybe I've done something that makes her think i'm interested but I don't think I did. Ihope she's just some random and will stop confusing me and she's just got up and left...

phew.

Choked

Feet fall as petals sway,
Notes tinkle; a piano plays.
Lie while muscles tension
And the sound of music
Sings through the strain.
Touching, moulding, ears are feeling out
But my throat is tight and the words aren’t right;
The blockage is in my head.

When are we sick, resting, sleeping, to keep from falling apart.
When do we know, that the pains the end of it all,
That the one has come to remove this grave,
The grave we all fear, the one for which we long.

The screen flickers in the dim light
The sound echoes in the hall
We scream no words,
Yet confess our faults.

Fingers clutch as curtains fall,
People cry; wordless howl.
Run to keep it all at bay
And end up nowhere,
But far, far away.
Crouching, holding, we’re all crying out.
But my throat is tight and the words aren’t right;
The blockage is in my heart.

When are we sick, resting, sleeping, to keep from falling apart.
When do we know, that the pains the end of it all,
That the one has come to remove this grave,
The grave we all fear, the one for which we long.

Feet fall as petals sway,
Notes tinkle; a piano plays.
But my throat is tight and the words aren’t right;
I scream two words:
Forgive me.

Addiction

I was obsessed with facades;
I was addicted to looks,
But God was in my heart.

I saw beneath the surface,
And was captivated,
By what it was I saw inside.

I was infatuated with
The personality of a girl,
And I saw what beauty she had.

I saw a man whose
Jokes made me laugh,
And I saw what beauty he had.

I saw a friend who
Fought through pain
And I knew she had beauty.

Caught by their beauty,
I knew I loved them all,
But they didn’t quite fit

The hole that I had;
The reason I was so easily
Addicted to their charm.

Then I met you. And inside
I saw beauty, personality,
An intelligence, a strength.

I couldn’t place it,
You differed in your drive,
Your drive in life.

But your difference is
In your heart.
A beautiful heart.

A heart for God.

Mistakes and Sin

Can a mistake be just a mistake and not sinful?
What is the definition of a mistake? What is the definition of a sin?
Mistake: didn’t mean for it to happen. Unexpected, or unwanted consequences. Unforseen circumstances. Thinking you’re correct or truthful when you are in fact not.
Sin: God didn’t mean for it to happen. Unwanted consequences; foreseen by God ignored by us. We blame our circumstances but it is in fact our nature. Thinking that we know what is better, more correct than God.

They’re my quick definitions of sin and mistakes. Trying to catch a ball but missing it is a mistake, but not a sin. Or is it an accident? People will do something on purpose, knowing the consequences but thinking they will cope, yet people still tell them "you’re making a big mistake". Do they do it because they don’t have a complete understanding, although they think they do? Does it then have unexpected consequences? And is it a mistake?

Yet God sometimes commands us to act, and that action may have unforeseen consequences and hardships, yet it certainly isn’t a mistake (or a sin (obviously)).
We may try to go our own way but fail, God pulls us back, but is that a mistake?

I’m not answering questions, but am rather trying to put order to thoughts…
I might think about this more but for now this is a good start.

Too Hot

Heat, melts my mind;
I begin to puddle on the floor.
No decisions today,
Not that there were
Any yesterday, and I doubt there
Will be any tomorrow.
As the heat keeps rising
So does my impatience,
Small things grow large
Feeding off the energy.

Cool temperament where are you?
This hot head has returned
And it’s dominating me.
When the red comes in,
Everything whites out
And my memory is blank
Of what I do in the heat.

Sweat: friend one moment,
Enemy the next; cool relief
In the breeze, a heavy weight
In the humid stuffed houses.

Heat: drives away words,
Thoughts, and

Poetry.

What's Gone

I drop my head,
I catch it in my hands
It still feels like it’s slipping
Into a deeper land.
It’s not depression;
I don’t feel bad,
But neither am I happy;
I feel a little sad.
It is however warming,
Swelling,
But not overpowering
I know what I’ve been missing
Why I’ve felt so alone,
I’ve had no one listening
To make my heart feel home.
If my home is where my heart is
Then my heart is with my friends.
Still insecure; fear of rejection
Pushes to another, colder end

The Strawman and the Tinman

The Strawman ad the Tinman
They need a head and heart
We three in the Land of Oz
Shall never be apart

Me I might seem a lion
But it’s just a show
Acting for so long
My true self I don’t know

That’s what I need
Some confidence and guts
Courage would be good
I always find too many buts.

That’s why we do our best
To cover with our act
We think through acting wizardly
They’ll think our lies a fact.

Not My Tears

Life without out your influence,
is one I don’t want to face.
Your perfection and kindness
always, will put me in my place.

When you take my hand,
you take my fears in yours.
When I‘m disheartened,
they’re not my tears, but yours.

Looking in

I don’t look into your eyes,
I don’t look at your face.
When I stare at you,
When we talk,
I don’t look into your life;
You show me your soul,
And what I see
Makes me
Want to stay here with you.

Please (Don’t Judge)

I am so loud, so oblivious to what I’m saying.
It’s all just to impress, to disguise my nerves,
but it is now part of me; a habit.
So please don’t judge me too hard.
I’ve never been in love, other than with an idea,
an image. I was so close to asking you;
I opened my mouth and swallowed the words.
Please don’t judge me too hard.
I see that you care for me, I hope
that’s what I see. But those images,
those false images contain my doubts.
So please don’t drop me too hard,
because that would just add to my load.
If you cared you wouldn’t give me doubt,
if you knew that’s what you do.
So please help me let go.